Life is a funny old thing. The apostle Paul says we do the things we don't want to do and don't do the things we want to do. I know he means this in relation to sinning and pleasing God - as in sinning rather than pleasing God and how much more we do the later even though want to do the former.
I've just started university and have discovered how much easier it is to not do what I want. Yes there is the usual of facebooking, emailing or even blogging rather than doing assignments, but these lasts few days have made me realise how much easier it is to not do what you want. To do what you want involved changing the status quo and can upset those nearest to you.
Those nearest to you have got use to how you are, what you can achieve, and what you can do for them. But when you step out to do something you want, as I have been doing in the last year or so, then it messes everyone else up. No longer do I have the emotional energy to deal with everyone else's emotional stuff, or practical stuff. No longer do have the head space to even care that much to their little hassles.
"I'm scared of the dark" was important when I didn't have a history assignment to try to get into my head, or a writing assignment to try to figure out, but now even though it is something I would like to deal with I know I just don't have the head space.
And that is all it is. I no longer have the head space to deal with all the things that are important to the rest of the household and yet they still want me to, and actually I have tried to still be able to do that, which was wrong of me.
I have a choice today -- a series of choices in fact.
1. to let everything carry on as it is and feel angry and disappointed with myself for not being able to carry it all, and to think I'll get some super reward somewhere if I keep going - which won't happen because no one will notice.
2. I could quit and either stay home and be that housewife/mother that everyone expects, wants and needs, but then I would be frustrated.
3. Or I could say how I feel, put in some boundaries, refuse to do some things and hang the consequences.
But even as I write this I can see why we don't do what we want because setting boundaries, changing things, trying to explain how I feel, and sticking to it, is going to be much harder than doing nothing and just being there when everyone else needs supporting.
Yes Paul I can see why we don't do what we want and do do what we don't want.
I truth I want this degree, I want to change the world somehow, I want to be doing something that I can do till I go totally senile. And maybe through this I will be releasing others, but actually who cares whether I do or not. Let's be selfish and do something for me instead!
